2019年の12月に父を亡くしていますので、この夏で、父を迎える二回目のお盆となります。
父がなくなってから、生前の父のことを想うことが多くなりました。私自身、父とは性格がかなり違うように思っているのですが、特に、私は自分の気持ちを素直に出せないのに対して、父はどんな時でも愛情を思い切り表現する人でした。
特に結婚10年目に私が生まれた時の病院での父の喜びのエピソードなどは私が物心がついた時から大人になっても何百回聞いたことか分かりません。私が結婚すると話し相手になってくれる妻にも何度もこの話をしていたことは言うまでもありません。
もちろん、私の娘が生まれからは、孫娘にぞっこんで、保育園の送り迎えを欠かさずしていました。おかけで小学生6年生になった娘は、今でも、じじが一番自分に優しかったと言っています。
話は前後しますが、私がオーストラリアにいた10数年は、シドニーの天気をチェックすることが日課になっていて、私の母に、今日はシドニーは35度を超えるから暑くて大変だぞ、などと常に息子夫婦のことを気にしていたと母から聞きました。
そんな愛情豊かな父とは随分違う息子ですが、父が亡くなった後、なぜ自分は父のもとに生まれてきたのだろう、前世ではどのような関係だったのだろうと考えることが多くなりました。父の墓前で考えても見ましたが、もちろん答えが見つかるわけもありません。
また、私自身、父からの愛情を疎ましく思い、愛情をかられればかけられるほど反発していた時期がありました。今から想うとこんなに親不孝な子供はいないと思います。正直孫娘に愛情を注ぐ父を見て、何か罪滅ぼしをしている気持ちがあったのが正直なところなのです。
そんな父に、心から謝りたい思っても、それももう叶わなくなりました。今、声を大にして言いたいのは、あなたがあんなに愛情を注いだ息子は、出来は悪いけど今幸せです。自分に愛想をつかさずに一緒にいてくれる家族にも、チャーリーにも感謝です。
(English)
I lost my father in December of 2019, so this summer will be my second Obon to welcome him.
Since my father passed away, I have been thinking about him a lot before he died.
I think that my father and I had very different personalities, and in particular, I was not able to express my feelings honestly, while my father was a person who expressed his love to the fullest at all times.
In particular, I have never been able to express my feelings honestly, whereas my father was always willing to express his love and affection to the fullest extent. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard the episode of my father’s joy at the hospital when I was born after 10 years of marriage. Needless to say, I have told this story many times to my wife, who has been my confidante since I got married.
Of course, after my daughter was born, I was crazy about my granddaughter and was always picking her up from nursery school. My daughter, who is now in the sixth grade of elementary school, still says that her uncle was the kindest person to her.
When I was in Australia for more than 10 years, my mother told me that he used to check the weather in Sydney every day and was always concerned about his son and his wife, telling my mother that it would be very hot in Sydney today because it would be over 35 degrees Celsius.
I am a very different son from my father, but after he passed away, I often wondered why I was born to him and what kind of relationship we had in our previous lives. I tried to think about it at my father’s graveside, but of course there was no way I could find an answer.
Also, there was a time when I myself felt alienated from my father’s love, and the more he showered me with affection, the more I rebelled against him. When I think back on it now, I don’t think I could have been such an unfilial child. To be honest, when I saw my father pouring out his love to his granddaughter, I felt like I was atoning for my sins.
I wanted to sincerely apologize to my father, but that was no longer possible. What I want to say out loud now is this.
I want to say out loud that my son, whom you poured so much love and affection into, is happy now, even though he is not a good son. I am grateful to my family and to Charlie for staying with me and not getting attached to me.
父が亡くなってから、家族ってなんだろう、父親の役割ってなんだろうと考えることが増えました。